Untying the Pink Ribbon

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There are a number of words euphemistically describing the concept of a ‘timeshare’. These have been conjured up in recent years by crafty marketing types trying to avoid  the increasingly negative connotation of the word. “Vacation Ownership” is one of them. As though you could actually ‘own’ a vacation. Think about it. The concept of a vacation is totally abstract – abstract as time itself.  There exists absolutely no tangible aspect of it. You can no more ‘own’ it than you can own your time whittling wood, whistling Dixie, or sitting on the toilet. You’re allotted  a discreet number of days on earth, you know not how many. They’re given at the behest of your Creator. At best, it’s a kind of rental arrangement, or perhaps a stewardship.  Anyone who thinks they ‘own’ their time on earth should try subleasing to someone more qualified to run it.

Another timeshare euphemismFractional Ownership. Okay, so not only is it totally abstract – but you own only a fraction of it. Kind of like owning only a percentage of some thought that occurred to you. Perhaps you can stake a claim to three percent (3%) of that daydream you had during lunch break. I’m thinking that this one might backfire on the developer’s marketing man. It’s fracking stupid. And yet it’s still considered less pejorative that the word ‘timeshare‘, otherwise it wouldn’t be out there.

And another one, courtesy of the Brits: Seasonal Ownership. This is British-babble for a European timeshare, usually somewhere in the south of Spain. The Brits are already notorious for beating around the bush. Leave it to our cousins across the pond to come up with some denomination so lame and vacuous that it’s almost totally divorced from reality.  We already discussed and dismissed the notion of owning anything of a temporal nature. But now they would have you owning not just a minute or two, not even just a week, but an entire season. I have to admit that this sounds better than owning a fraction of something. And I kind of get the thing about staying there during a certain time of year. This one gets a C-.

Regardless, what actually happens when you tie the proverbial pink ribbon around pig’s tail? Maybe he gets a little more attention at the county fair. If he’s in the show, maybe you’ll even pin a ribbon on him. His owner starts to swell with pride.  Heck, don’t even call him a pig anymore, call him something else. A swine, perhaps, or a hog, better yet.

But at the end of the day, even if you drape him in garments of the gods, or dress him in sartorial splendor, you still don’t have a horse, a cow, or even a goat. And your seasonal ownership is still just an oinker. And you’d be better off sending it off to the butcher.

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